this past week has been ridiculous. i have been challenged physically emotionally mentally and spiritually, all of that together has been quite overwhelming. i am better now, on the ball, pulling myself back together again, it was rough for a while, i couldn't seem to focus on anything really. today though things seem more clear. i had a great epic focus kind of day which doesn't happen very often but i felt like i finally knew everything i had to do.
several things have come to the surface lately.
i have had a need to be discipled for a while, and that prayer has finally been answered and will start in action next semester.
there is a guy i have been getting to know, i really still don't know that well, but things seem to be going well, even if we're just friends. i feel comfortable around him, its easy to just be myself, which is something i haven't felt in a long time.
I have also just realized some other things about my life in general, i'm starting to grip that things really will never be the same again. life has already changed for me and will continue to do so. there are family issues that have been going on for a while that are about to take a turn one way or another. if its good, hopefully it will continue to be good, if its bad, i just hope that lessons are learned from mistakes and we can move on. its like the blue pill red pill thing, from this point on, nothing will be the same.
i also auditioned for the play for next spring. we are doing the "Pirates of Penzance". i got in as one of the Major Generals daughters. I also audtitioned for a ministry team that does music, called the Difference, and i made the callbacks and am still waiting to hear if i made it. these are big things for me. i have never been in a traveling group before. i did the play last year and it was great, so i am excited to be a part of the next one.

so i finally got the superman pic up, yay!

lately i've been having fun with ideas spinning off of another deviants story about the divine daughter. she wrote a spin off of the movie, The Covenant. i really liked it at first, but when i came back to it, i found that there was a LOT in it i didn't like, and that most people probably wouldn't read(i'm sorry if you read this). so i have been tossing around LOTS of ideas for changing it and rewriting it myself.

I like the general idea that she is the only sibling born to single heirs of the Sons of Ipswitch every given number of generations, and that she has to save them from themselves, but that is about it. the rest i am changing and starting over. I have a whole page of stuff that i have for the main character, and plot stuff i'm changing.

i'm reading hers over to make sure i don't copy anything she already did, which is taking me a little bit cuz she wrote quite a bit. I hope she doesn't get mad that i'm redoing it though, that would really suck.

So i just drew a pic of Superman today! and cannot wait to get home to scan it to put it on here! i had a choir event this morning at my college, it was a high school invitational, and we sat and listened to high school choirs sing and then our director work with them on techniques, to make them better, more professional sounding. i did not want to stare at high school kids for two hours, so i drew a picture, and then i finished it later. it looks so awesome.

so i have been doing more drawings lately of stuff that i really wanted to do, but i think next will be of actors that i loved growing up. primarily, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Jonathan Brandis, Rider Strong, and River Phoenix. okay maybe i didn't watch much of river til later, but they were all HOT, lol. and i ahven't seen too many drawings of them, and none of them have been together. Maybe I'll throw Brad Renfro into the mix too, and Thomas Ian Nicholas.not sure how long this will take but i'm gonna try.

I've been reading this book, Captivating by Stasi and John Elderedge, and it is awesome. i got a good ways through it and it was the chapter about all the wounds we have and the messages we received that caused them. I decided to make a list of all the messages i received, that hold me back from doing whatever God has called me to do, that shouldn't be allowed to anymore.
anyone who actually reads this, I challenge you to do the same, you might be suprised at what you come up with.
i hope you do not take this the wrong way, this is not an attention thing, this is my heart in a journal.

you are not pretty
you are not interesting enough to keep attention
you are simple minded
you are creative, which means no one understands you
your learning style is what the school system is least built for
you will never make it in college
you need to be fixed to think like normal people
you are not sporty= you are not cool
you are fat and that will never change bc youre so small
youre too much emotionally
you are not anough spiritually
youll never get anywhere, you're stuck in this place of nonpassion
your own brother won't listen to you bc you're a failure. you don't have it figured out, so why should he trust you?
youre not a good Christian woman, and you will never understand how its done
you will never be able to work things out with your stepmom, or to be good friends with her.
you will never be able to pay off your loans
you will never be strong enough to blaze a new path first
you will never find love
you will never find an accountablity partner so why even try
you will never be able to give anyone the help they really need
your parents will never be proud of you
you will never be someone to look up to

Feel free to cry, i know i do every time i read through the whole thing. these are Satans messages to our hearts bc he knows what we can become bc God made us, and he fears us bc of it. we can't let him bring us down. "We were meant to live for so much more"!

I am going to write another one full of truths and when i do, i will put it up also, and challenge you to do that also. this is just something that has been laid on my heart, another step toward becoming whoever God wants me to be. and i hope that sharing my heart can help at least one other person.
It also took a load off to write it in the first place, and then now its down on paper and i can look back and hopefully i can start leaving the messages behind.